Little Hands

Tonight, I sat rocking Baby V to sleep realizing she is almost a baby no more. I held her hand, and the sensation of it resting in mine set off a whirlwind of emotions within me. These were the words that went with it.

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Your little hand felt bigger today

As I held it and rocked you to sleep.

Who knew that something so small (yet so big)

Could make me have feelings so deep

My heart breaks a little to know as you grow

That each day means saying goodbye 

To your sweet baby-isms that I fell in love with

Yet there's an excitement I cannot deny

Each day you do something amazing and new

That I feel honored to see and to share

From reading a book to calling me mom

To petting the dog instead of pulling her hair

You're a living lesson to be in the moment

Whether that moment is a low or a high

It amazes me that at not even one year old 

You have become my "because" and my "why"

No matter how big your hands get little one

Just know I will always be there

To hold your hand and rock you to sleep

I love you and the moments we share

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You might be a Human Mom if...

Let's face it, we all do ridiculous (and amazing) things as parents, but if you find yourself regularly engaging in the behaviors on the following list, you can proudly wear your Human Mom badge - dads too!

Here's the "Human Dad" being silly with Baby V.

10. You will resort to anything - any song, rhyme, noise, dance, face, etc. - to see your little one smile (or to get them to stop crying)... And you'll do said thing proudly any time, any place, with anyone watching. 

I am pretty sure those who frequent my local Safeway think I'm a little off, but most change their minds when they see sweet Baby V smiling.

9. You know that you "should" tackle your to do list while baby sleeps, but you stop and stare at that sweet baby instead... For an hour.

It's moments like this I'm really proud of myself. As someone who lives by her to do list, it takes a lot for me to put it aside and sit (unless sitting is on my list - that'll be the day!). But truthfully, when I'm sitting and staring at her, I feel more grounded, content, and human than I ever have. 

8. You actually cry over spilled milk. I'm tearing up even thinking about it now.

If you've spilled milk, you know the dismal feeling of milk being spilled, quickly followed by the anger directed at yourself ("I should have been more careful..." "I should have looked to make sure that the liner was in the bottle before I poured..." And so on.).

7.5. Baby bowel movements become a common topic of conversation at the dinner table.

It's gross, but it's true. If you've come over to dinner at my house recently, I apologize, because I know you've heard way more about Baby V's poop than you prepared for.

7. Baby bowel movements become a common topic of every conversation.

Let's be real - it's not just at the dinner table.

6. You love your partner now more than ever.

Every time Baby V smiles at him, I fall in love a little more. I hope he knows how much I love watching them love each other.

5. Each morning, you do a top-to-bottom house search to locate your bra, since you stripped it off to feed the baby when you walked in the house the night before.

All. Over. The. House.

4. You count down the minutes until bedtime, and then you miss your baby when they're asleep.

These tiny humans just draw you in! 

3. You base your decisions about attending social events solely on your ability to wear yoga pants (or cargo shorts for any Human Dads reading).

I'm serious about this. In fact, I regularly text people I'm meeting with "Yoga pants?" 

2. You have sent or received a text message along the lines of, "Poop explosion. Five minutes behind." Sometimes followed with, "Make that ten."

We've all been there. I don't know about you, but to me, it's hilarious every time. Bonus Human Mom point if it involves a shower for you and bath for baby.

1. You love your little person more than anything in this world... It's an indescribable, intense, amazing (sometimes exhausting) feeling.

No Human Mom list would be complete without a little love for our sweet babies.  After all, these tiny humans are our world.

What else makes you a human mom? Answer below if we missed something!



***Major thanks to my Mom Village for several of the items on this list!***

"How did it go?" A Human Mom's first day back to work.

The question everyone wanted to know... "How did it go?"

From my mother-in-law to my own mom to the village moms to my aunt to my husband, the amazing supports in my life texted, emailed, Facebook messaged, etc. to check on me after what was sure to be a stressful, possibly difficult day... But it wasn't. 

It. Was. Amazing.

When I woke up this morning, I was ready. I prepared for Baby V's first full day of daycare by doing several "practice days" (mostly for me). With each day over the last two weeks (we did four practice 1/2 days total), I felt more confident that I was entrusting her to caring, attuned adults who would love and care for her until I returned.

As a quick aside - I think it's really crummy that society uses language like "leaving her" when it comes to daycare and working moms. I never "leave" Baby V. I provide her with a wonderful place with amazing people who love her while I work. Having a child in daycare does not mean I am abandoning my parental duties or my daughter. End rant.

As I kissed Baby V and returned to my car, a wave of pure excitement came over me. I was going back to work, and I couldn't have been happier. For those who don't know me, I'm a therapist at a continuation high school, where I do trauma-based work with kiddos. I adore these kids, and being away for the five months of maternity leave was really difficult for me. Naturally, returning to my position as a support person in their lives was really exciting.

Throughout the day, I checked my phone, looked at pictures of Baby V, and texted the daycare providers a few times here and there. I also built two new meaningful relationships with awesome kids and reconnected with students I worked with last year. I met new members of my counseling team and collaborated with teachers about my students' needs.

The day was a balance between missing Baby V and being sad to not be with her and being thrilled to be at work with the students I care about. It was the first day I got to be a mom and a therapist, and it felt really great to be both.

It sure didn't hurt that Baby V greeted me with non-stop giggles when I got home =)

Midnight Regrets

Let's talk about sleep regression (or parental sleep-deprivation torture as I've come to know it). Everyone will tell you about the 4 month sleep regression, what they don't mention is that is can last several months to a year. At about 10 weeks old K2 started to sleep though the night. And by sleeping through the night I mean he slept 8, 9, even 10 hours a night. He slept so well I was knocking on wood and thinking I had a gifted and talented infant. I anxiously awaited the dreaded 4 month sleep regression. But at 4 months + 1 week I thought we had gotten lucky and skipped it. (Or my child was just so awesome that silly things like sleep regressions didn't apply to him.)

Boy was I wrong!!

He is now 5.5 months and has only slept though the night twice since the torture sleep regression started. Some nights he'll sleep until 4am and wake up hungry. Some nights he wakes up at midnight (not really hungry) and at 4am. And some super awesome nights he wakes 6 times.

In the beginning I was getting up and putting my hands on him to settle him back to sleep unless he acted like he was really hungry. Then I'd bring him to bed and co-sleep/feed while I tried (but always failed to go back to sleep). Then settling got harder and I figured it was because he could smell me and knew if he fussed long enough I'd give in and bring him to bed. So I asked my husband (I like to call him hubs) to settle K2 on the times I knew he wasn't hungry. Hubs did well for 1 night.

Only. one. night.

To my sleep deprived mind, hubs was giving in much too quickly or wasn't settling the baby in the right way. He wasn't shushing or putting his hands on K2's chest and head properly. I tried to teach hubs that if he just put his hands exactly there and there and stood on his left foot and slowly hummed the alphabet song that the baby would go back to sleep! But whatever he was doing, it wasn't working. It seemed hubs just wanted to get back to bed and go to sleep so he was only going though the motions until the baby got fussy enough that he could give him to me to feed him.

That may or may not be true, or it may be shades of true, or it may have been true on some waking and not others, but for 3 weeks EVERY time hubs got up with the baby he ended up in my bed and I ended up awake for 1-2 hours while the baby ate and fussed to tried to get back to sleep. Hubs was however, only up for the 5 min it took for the baby to get pissed-off enough to need me, and then he was back asleep by the time his head hit the pillow. <insert bad word here>

A few times in the hubs-getting-up-with-the-baby experiment I would get up instead and about half of those times K2 would settle without needing to get out of his crib. And a few times no-one would get up and the baby would fuss for a couple minutes and go back to sleep. In the middle of the night, to my sleep deprived brain, this was definitive proof that hubs just wasn't putting in the effort to get K2 to settle and was just trying to hand him off as soon as possible. <insert yawn and another bad word here>

So last night in a sleep deprived haze, I said something to the effect of "you just shouldn't get up if you aren't going to try to get him to settle, you're just making it worse". I put quotes there, but I have no idea if that's exactly what I said or not ... I honestly doubt it was that wordy at 12:30 in the morning. But whatever it was that I said, he got pissed, handed the baby to me, and stomped out of the room. As he was leaving I asked, "Where are you going?" He said, "Downstairs, I'm not wanted here." <insert pout from hubs and huff from me>

So last night I did all of the waking-up-with-the-baby and settling. I honestly got just as much (or as little) sleep as I normally do (well really less as I was awake being pissed at hubs much of the night). But hubs not being there really didn't make a difference to the amount of time I was up due to the baby. Which makes the vengeful side of me think, "See, I was right." But I know that's just mean, so I try to not listen to that spiteful, sleep-deprived little voice.

Things I realized after a lot of thought in the middle of the night and this morning:

• Dads don't have the same connection with the baby that moms do, he can't tell the difference between an "I'm not going to settle" or an "I'll settle give me 2 minutes" cry. 
• Perhaps the baby really does just want mom right now, even if it's just a reassuring hand. 
• Fighting amongst ourselves isn't helping anyone get any sleep, even if it's at 3am after the third awakening. 
• Fighting certainly hurts my sleep most, as I will lay awake pissed-off (even if I'm the one that started the fight by saying something hurtful in a sleep deprived haze). 
• And lastly, it may actually be helpful for hubs to not be in the room while I try to settle the baby. If he snores one more time right when the baby is about to give-in to sleep I may throw something at him. 

Now the logically side of me says this means it's time to move the baby's crib to his own room. But the still pissed-off side thinking hubs should spend a few more nights downstairs. Of course that's vengeful again. (Hey, this blog is about being a human mom right?) Come to think of it, hubs would probably love to be downstairs in the baby-free guest bedroom for a few nights. <insert grumble here>

Now lest you leave with the thought that hubs is a dirty-rotten huffy brat all of the time, let me assure you that even though I'm pissed at him at the moment, he does a LOT of wonderful things for me, K1, and K2. Just this weekend he took the baby downstairs at 5am and let me sleep until 8:30am. All. by. myself. It was awesome. The baby was likely asleep much of that time, but it was still a nice gesture.

So I'm sure we'll kiss and make-up in the not to distant future, but for now I'm going to have another cup of coffee and ponder whom I should ask to leave my bedroom. The 5 month old or the husband. Hmmm? (For those of you that don't yet get my humor, I'm really just joking here. Mostly.)

Have you ever had a human mom moment in the middle of the night? Did you regret it the next morning? Or were you still too sleep deprived for regrets? I'm honestly still in the process of moving from pissed-off to regret. I'm sure I'll get there ... eventually.

Pumping and Travel

Hi Human Moms,

I'm hoping to post funny, human stories of this grand adventure we call Motherhood. First a little introduction. I'm Kris, a physicist and mom to two boys, I'll call them K1 and K2, because this internet thing scares me a little. And I may not tell them I'm posting their (and my) anecdotes until they are parents themselves (hopefully one day). K1 is four and currently is sure he knows everything about everything, except how to get dressed by himself in the mornings. K2 is four months and such a happy, easy going baby ... though the four month sleep regression is real y'all. Also, I'm originally from Texas, so if you hear a little twang its authentic.

My job requires travel, not a ton, but I frequently board the airplane at the front of the line (meaning I have a lot of frequent flyer miles). I was hoping to not travel until K2 was at least 6 months old and I was no longer his sole source of food. It didn't quite work out that way.

Two weeks ago a meeting was scheduled that I felt I needed to go to. It couldn't be rescheduled and I am the company representative for this topic, so it really was my responsibility to go. It was only a one day meeting, so I thought, "I can do this. Right? I know my son is only 4 months, but it's just one day and with non-stop flights I'll be back with him in 30 hours. He'll be okay without me for just one night, right?". (Yes, I really talk to myself like this. More than I care to admit.) I contemplated flying in and out the same day, but I would have missed the first half of the meeting (no earlier flights). Plus a two day trip means I'll get to catch up on sleep without a tiny human wanting to be fed at 2am.

So the morning of my outbound flight I was suppose to have an early (8:30am) meeting at work. Great. Don't they know I've been coming it at 9:30 because I can't manage to nurse, pump, shower, get dressed, get the kids dressed, eat breakfast, nurse, and get the kids to daycare and preschool any earlier than 9am? No, they don't, they are men and it takes them 15 minutes to get ready in the morning. 

I mange to get to the meeting at 8:45am ... which I think is a miracle. But when I get to the meeting location no one is there. "Great. Did they move to a conference room?" I would have called them, but I left my phone in the car in my rush to get to the meeting I was already late for. So I wander around looking at the closest 5 conference rooms. Nope, can't find my meeting. I finally write a note and leave it on the desk where the meeting was suppose to be. It says, "I came by, couldn't find you. -Kris". Notice I didn't mention I was 15 min late, why overburden them with details.

I then check my phone in the car. At 8:07am there was a message that they moved the meeting to 11:30am. Argh. So I went though a heroic effort to get here early for your ****** meeting and you moved it at the last minute? Okay, deep breath.

My flight leaves at 7pm, so I'm planning on leaving for the airport straight from work. Since I didn't have time to pack this morning I head back home to pack. No problem, I can do this. I finish packing clothes and pump one more time before packing up the breast pump and numerous accessories. And head back to my 11:30am meeting.

Everything goes well until I start to set up at work to pump at 3:30pm and realize I'm going to have to take the milk home before I leave for the airport or pour it out. I suppose I could have left it in the community fridge while I was out of town, but that seemed weird, so I opt to leave early and just go pump one last time at home.

I typically pump in my bedroom upstairs. So I go up the stairs and sit down only to realize I don't have a set of pump accessories upstairs. Oiy. Okay, down the stairs and back up with the accessories. Then I sit down to realize I packed my pump earlier and it's now in the car. Double Oiy. Okay, down the stairs and outside to get the pump bag. Now back up the stairs and finally sit down to pump. I blame sleep deprivation. I'm really very intelligent at work, but the juggling act I call a home life gets the better of me some days.

I finish pumping and head to the airport a little earlier than I normally would as it's rush hour traffic time and I want to be able to pump one more time before I get trapped on a plane for 2.5 hours. I travel a lot, so I know to tell the TSA agent that I have a breast pump in my bag BEFORE if goes though security. Otherwise they tend to think it's something scary and we all waste a bunch of time unloading, swiping, and reloading my pump bag.

I grab a sandwich to go for eating on the airplane later and head to the family restroom. My airport doesn't have a fancy nursing/pumping room. My pump is the hospital grade version that has to be plugged into the wall. I know some women use battery pumps, but my boobs just laugh at those and hold onto the milk in hopes that I explode. 

Here's where the real fun begins ... in case you've been wondering why you were reading this long winded post. The family restroom is disgusting. I mean urine soaked paper towels on the floor, toilet not flushed disgusting. I turn around and head to the nearest airport personnel. "Do you have another family restroom? I need to pump and that one is disgusting. Perhaps in Terminal 1?" She doesn't think Terminal 1 has a family restroom and suggests I use the white courtesy phone to call and ask and also have them come clean the restroom. (It's apparently not her job to call to have the bathrooms cleaned.) I use the white phone and call the information desk (I always wondered who picked up the white phone calls). Information doesn't know if Terminal 1 has a family restroom. They are apparently located downstairs (before security) and are not allowed into the security area. What?!?! Seriously, you are information for the airport and you can't tell me ... oh never mind. "Can you have someone come clean this restroom?" She has apparently left a message for the cleaners, but doesn't know why she can't get a hold of them. She promises to leave another message.

Okay, I decided Terminal 1 isn't that far of a walk, so I'll just go down there and see if I can find another family restroom. On the way I find an airport map on the wall that shows the one and only family restroom is the dirty one. Great. I decided to see if one of the women's bathrooms has a plug near enough to a stall that I can stretch the pump cord into the stall. I go into the nearest women's restroom and low and behold there's a plug next to the sinks that just might be close enough to that first stall! Score! Problem solved! I balance my pump bag on my suitcase and the cord just barely reaches. I can't quite close the door all the way, but I wedge my bag up against it and get the pump bra on and all of the accessories and hit the power button. Nothing. No suction, no sweet relieve, no power. "Great, did someone unplug me? Thinking I was making a bomb in the bathroom? It is a little weird to have a power cord stretched from the bathroom sink to the stall (with the door slightly ajar). Now I'm all hooked up with cones and bottles hanging from my boobs, do I peek out of the stall without taking everything off and ask a kindly stranger to plug me back in?" No, I'm too much of a weenie for that. I unhook everything and pull my top back down. Go out to find the power cord is just slightly pulled out. Plug it back in, still no power. Plug it into the other plug, still no power. Deep breath.

I head back to the one family restroom now with boobs that are about to explode and worried that if I don't pump soon I'll miss my boarding time. "Maybe they've cleaned the bathroom by now?" Nope. Still disgusting. I just suck it up and turn my back on the worst parts of the mess and pump standing up. Yes, that is just as much fun as it sounds like. Gross. While I'm pumping the cleaners decide to show up and knock on the door every three minutes. Let me tell you how super helpful that is. If you've never pumped, you probably don't know how much of a mental game it is to relax enough to have a 'let-down'. I'm not very good at having let-downs, thus the industrial powered pump. I'm extra not good at having a let-down while standing in a disgusting bathroom in an airport with boarding time approaching and a janitor banging on the door. 

Okay, now I'm done pumping and I can head to my flight. I sit down with about five minutes to boarding time just in time to hear that the flight has been delayed for 2 hours. TWO HOURS!

Deep breath. Lots of deeps breaths.

Crud. The flight was scheduled to land at 11:30pm already. Now I'll get to the hotel at what time? Great.

So I have to pump one more time before I get on the flight, but this time the bathroom has been cleaned. Small victories.

Side bar: Being a working mom much of my brain capacity and my time are dedicated to protecting my milk supply. I only mention this by way of explanation of why I'm talking about pumping so much.

When I get to the hotel I pump before I go to bed and finally get to sleep around 2:30am. And I thought I'd get more sleep tonight without the baby. HA!

The next morning I head to my meeting. By the way, in hind sight this meeting could have easily been accomplished via video conference instead of my having to travel with a 4 month old at home. Ugh. So while I'm at the meeting I have to find a place to pump twice during the day. We break early for lunch so I tell my co-workers that I'll pump and then meet them at the restaurant. I poke around looking for a spare office and find an empty cubical with a door. Great! Except the door doesn't really close all the way, it leaves about a 4-5 inch gap. Whatever, it's clean, it's climate controlled, and it doesn't smell. I go in and setup with my back to the gap and start pumping. A group of men starts chatting just outside the cubical wall about their weekend plans. In their defense, they couldn't have known I was trying to get in the pumping zone and couldn't concentrate with all their chatting, but it still took me much longer than average to get a let-down. I miss lunch, but at least I'm comfortable again.

The rest of the trip was thankfully less eventful. I did however leave my phone in the family bathroom of the return airport in my rush to get out of there and catch my flight. But I realized it pretty quickly and it was still there when I went back for it. Whew.

All of my boys were very happy to see me when I returned just in time to do tuck-in for K1. My husband is very supportive and I know it's not easy to manage two kids (especially with one being an infant). Things did go pretty well for him while I was away. I was really worried K2 wouldn't go to sleep without nursing, but he didn't have any problems.

As I type this, I'm pumping at my desk. Trying to get rid of the clogged duct I now have on my right boob. Ouch. The hospital grade pump ain't got nothin' of the suction power of a hungry baby. It's good to be back with my symbiote. 
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Random Questions:
Do you say restroom or bathroom? Are they interchangeable?
Have you traveled without your infant? How did it go?
Do you think about pumping as much as I do? Or am I abnormal? (It's okay to be honest, I won't be offended.)

- Kris

Mom Guilt

In the last week, several friends in my "mom village" (more to come on that later) have returned to work, gotten new jobs, or resigned from their positions to stay at home. In each case, all of them different from one another, the amazing mothers in question had reservations and in most cases guilt about their decisions.

Mom guilt. 

We've all experienced it in one way or another, but what I find most perplexing is that we moms seem to feel guilty no matter what choice we're making. Either we feel guilty about going back to work and wonder if we are in some way negatively impacting our child's attachment/development/future or we feel guilty that we are "not contributing" to our family in the way that we are used to (please don't misunderstand - I believe stay-at-home moms contribute hugely in both tangible and intangible ways to their family and society). 

Is there a choice out there moms won't feel guilty about? My guess is probably not. Instead, let's ask what we can do to support one another to feel confident that we are making the right choice for our families.

Many of the suggestions below come straight from observing the village of Human Moms that I've built around me support one another. Others come from what has helped me personally accept my decision to return to work in one short month.

1. Remember that every child is different.
Just because your child thrives in a one on one setting and is overwhelmed in groups does not mean another child will suffer if placed in daycare and vice versa. Respect your fellow parent's knowledge of their little one's personality and unique needs.

2. Consider that each family's circumstances are different.
Some of us our blessed with family nearby (bonus if they are open to watching the kiddos), whereas others are not. Some moms have jobs where the salary barely covers childcare costs and returning to work does not make sense financially. Some are single parents and need to work to build a life for their kiddos. By realizing that my circumstances are not the same as other parents, I have been able to empathize, understand, and support other mommies in their decisions, because I...

3. Trust that we are all doing the best we can.
Sometimes our choices are not "ideal." Then again, we don't live in an ideal world. In that world, we would have a year of maternity leave to bond with our babies, understanding employers who are open to part-time work or alternative hours, and affordable, safe care for our little ones (cough, cough - get with it America!). Since that's not the world we live in, the alternative is to do the best we can with what we've got. I don't know a single mom who isn't trying to do just that.

4. Offer help to other moms in need.
This might be the most important suggestion on the list. There are opportunities where we can help change another mom's circumstances for the better, or at least help alleviate their stress. Is your employer hiring? Put the job listing out to your mommy friends looking for employment (or on a mom Facebook group, etc.). I recently watched not one, but THREE moms offer to watch a sweet baby boy as a wonderful mom in my village had her childcare fall through on a day she needed to work for a few hours. I also experienced the rush of positive feelings when one of my great friends (also a wonderful new mommy) offered to come over and spend time with me and baby V next week while my husband is out of town, specifically so I could shower in peace =) It really does take a village.

5. Speak out against the guilt.
When we see a mom getting down on herself for doing the absolute best she can, remind her that she is a wonderful mother and is making the right choices for her family. If you find yourself surrounded by the guilt or questioning yourself, ask yourself if the choice you're making represents "your best." Feel confident that if it does, it will be enough.

While I doubt that my mom guilt will ever completely fade, it helps to know that I'm in good company and have support for my choices. It also doesn't hurt that I'm pretty confident baby V knows without a shadow of a doubt how much she is loved, whether I'm working or at home.

Anyone else have suggestions for ways to beat the guilt? Feel free to comment below!

Human Mom Moment of the Day

My husband and I have really been blessed by Baby V. She's a pretty happy camper most of the time, except for when she has a diaper situation. Lately, she's been waking up in the mornings with a dry diaper (I think it's her solution for hating being soiled), but she quickly remedies that. What this means is that each morning, we go through diapers like it is our job. My Human Mom Moment (HMM) of the day was getting ready to leave the house for a fabulous mommy/baby lunch and realizing that both Baby V and myself were up to our elbows... Into the bath she (well really we) went, and then it was off to the lunch like nothing had happened! What was your HMM today?