Mom Guilt

In the last week, several friends in my "mom village" (more to come on that later) have returned to work, gotten new jobs, or resigned from their positions to stay at home. In each case, all of them different from one another, the amazing mothers in question had reservations and in most cases guilt about their decisions.

Mom guilt. 

We've all experienced it in one way or another, but what I find most perplexing is that we moms seem to feel guilty no matter what choice we're making. Either we feel guilty about going back to work and wonder if we are in some way negatively impacting our child's attachment/development/future or we feel guilty that we are "not contributing" to our family in the way that we are used to (please don't misunderstand - I believe stay-at-home moms contribute hugely in both tangible and intangible ways to their family and society). 

Is there a choice out there moms won't feel guilty about? My guess is probably not. Instead, let's ask what we can do to support one another to feel confident that we are making the right choice for our families.

Many of the suggestions below come straight from observing the village of Human Moms that I've built around me support one another. Others come from what has helped me personally accept my decision to return to work in one short month.

1. Remember that every child is different.
Just because your child thrives in a one on one setting and is overwhelmed in groups does not mean another child will suffer if placed in daycare and vice versa. Respect your fellow parent's knowledge of their little one's personality and unique needs.

2. Consider that each family's circumstances are different.
Some of us our blessed with family nearby (bonus if they are open to watching the kiddos), whereas others are not. Some moms have jobs where the salary barely covers childcare costs and returning to work does not make sense financially. Some are single parents and need to work to build a life for their kiddos. By realizing that my circumstances are not the same as other parents, I have been able to empathize, understand, and support other mommies in their decisions, because I...

3. Trust that we are all doing the best we can.
Sometimes our choices are not "ideal." Then again, we don't live in an ideal world. In that world, we would have a year of maternity leave to bond with our babies, understanding employers who are open to part-time work or alternative hours, and affordable, safe care for our little ones (cough, cough - get with it America!). Since that's not the world we live in, the alternative is to do the best we can with what we've got. I don't know a single mom who isn't trying to do just that.

4. Offer help to other moms in need.
This might be the most important suggestion on the list. There are opportunities where we can help change another mom's circumstances for the better, or at least help alleviate their stress. Is your employer hiring? Put the job listing out to your mommy friends looking for employment (or on a mom Facebook group, etc.). I recently watched not one, but THREE moms offer to watch a sweet baby boy as a wonderful mom in my village had her childcare fall through on a day she needed to work for a few hours. I also experienced the rush of positive feelings when one of my great friends (also a wonderful new mommy) offered to come over and spend time with me and baby V next week while my husband is out of town, specifically so I could shower in peace =) It really does take a village.

5. Speak out against the guilt.
When we see a mom getting down on herself for doing the absolute best she can, remind her that she is a wonderful mother and is making the right choices for her family. If you find yourself surrounded by the guilt or questioning yourself, ask yourself if the choice you're making represents "your best." Feel confident that if it does, it will be enough.

While I doubt that my mom guilt will ever completely fade, it helps to know that I'm in good company and have support for my choices. It also doesn't hurt that I'm pretty confident baby V knows without a shadow of a doubt how much she is loved, whether I'm working or at home.

Anyone else have suggestions for ways to beat the guilt? Feel free to comment below!